Everything was red.

Not only because siri's walls are painted red, or her bedsheets were dyed red, or every accessory she had was red, but because the only light in the room was her red globe lamp. It cast a tint on everything and everyone, and as he pressed his lips against mine, his hands slipping under the black bra strap to feel my back beneath it, i sighed. Not with passion or arousal or anything like it, but with relief, because i felt like for the first time in three years, the muscles in my back had relaxed.

His hand moved from my bra strap to my stomach, as his lips continued to battle mine in an attempt to ravage, and i felt his palm against my skin, slipping down, down, down, until it was beneath my belt, taunting the soft, moist flesh that he was feeling for the first time. I squirmed, and his free arm came around my waist, as my fingernails dug into his back and tangled up in his hair. There was no resistance in the room. Not only from me, but from any of the other three occupants. Because beyond the world that wessam and i had created on the bedroom floor, accompanied by pieces of clothing and empty beer bottles dripping with remnants of our alcohol, siri and dani were above us, on the bed, the whipped cream cleaned from their chests, their heavy breathing accompanying the heavy metal music in the background (courtesy of Pantera).

Suddenly, the fingers slipped from inside my jeans to the inside of our mouths, between the kisses we had meant to continue. I took note of what was happening and how natural it was, and knew for sure that no matter how many times he'd had sex before this night, or how many people he'd done it with, he was much more experienced than I. He got off of his side and loomed dominantly over me, while i smiled, dreamlike, and reached up to rake my fingers through his hair. He watched me with admiring, caring, loving, and almost maternal eyes, and they pulled me into a state of complete submission. How could i deny someone who looked at me like that?

He tucked the hair behind my ears, leaned over to find my lips and press himself against them, and as he did so, my belt was being undone. We were the only people in the room, and the only people in the world. Siri and dani, stripped down to nothing on the bed behind us, became nothing more than a raw porno projected on a big screen, the music and the heavy breathing included.

I could have protested and he would have instantaneously pulled away, allowed me a night of conversation, but i had my heart set on getting rid of that stupid hymen by the end of the night. At the time, i couldn't even remember how i'd gotten there or what had happened to get us to siri's bedroom floor, while she and dani had sex in broad view behind us. I hadn't thought it would turn out like that, and my nerves about the age difference should have been reason enough.

---

"You know what you should do?" Elmo had said that day, during lunch, before the others arrived. "Here's what i've concluded from everything you told me. Fuck age, fuck parents, fuck five years, fuck 20 and 15, fuck metalhead and weed and druggie and all those other things that come to your mind, or anybody else's mind. Fuck ryan and skander and kris - their opinion doesnt matter because their opinion is based on their own desires. The fact is, you have a 20 year old getting siri, every day, to tell you that he misses you and wants you to call him. You have a chance for a new start with someone who's becoming more crazy about you every day you dont have contact. Dontcha think it's about time there as somebody as good as him, thats as crazy about you as he will be?" He grinned that devious grin of his, his thick, expressive eyebrows arched.

I took what he said to heart, went home after school, dressed in my favorite trinidad jeans and a small white t-shirt, and hailed a cab to siri's place. He had given siri his number, to give to me so i could call him, several times within the week after we met. Each one of those times, i had nervously handled the phone, let thoughts of how young and immature and soft i was to handle someone like that, and wound up putting the phone back where it was and keeping the number in my pocket. When i got to siri's place, we spent a couple hours waiting for dani, and when he showed up, we spent another hour waiting for wessam.

We met him outside our favorite alcohol shop, 90 seconds from siri's apartment building. I had awkwardly tried to join her in buying alcohol, but she insisted that i stay outside with him. I observed him closely, in his black t-shirt and dark jeans. A metalhead. And me? I was in tight, light denim jeans and a small white t-shirt with a low, broad neckline, and short short sleeves, and four pink crochet flowers sewn onto it. A roxy shirt. Covered by a red cardigan. I was so prep-school it was almost funny. That attention i'd paid to our difference only made me more shy than i already was, while he was so confident it was almost arrogant. But he spoke gently to me, with a soft smile and admiring eyes, and his hand was on the back of my neck, fingers tangled in my mess of hair, kneading the muscles that were there - the same way i'd pamper a 3 month old kitten - as he spoke. He was a real man, i thought, confident but gentle all the same.

For a while the night was innocent - we drank beer and smoked cigarettes, in a circle on the floor. I sat next to wessam against the bedframe, unsurely resting my arm on the length of the frame where he leaned. I wasn't sure of how to act - he was so comfortable and casual, sitting next to me with his hands and sides to himself, and his eyes on siri's new guitar as he taught her the first lesson, and we all watched. I was surprised by his talent, even on accoustic, but when we ran out of beer and she left me with the two to get more, the lesson was over. She came back, and the games had begun.

For a while all we did was drink the beer and talk and smoke a joint of hash while siri argued with dani over why he wouldn't let her smoke from it, but i, 15, was allowed. Soon, the fight turned into something equally passionate but much more enjoyable. She brought out the whipped cream, threw him onto the bed, straddled her hips in her small night gown, pulled off his shirt and covered his chest in whipped cream.  She had a thing for mixing sex with sweets, and they did what they wanted, regardless of the fact that they weren't alone in the room.

Suddenly, wessam's mouth had captured mine, and he was leaning forward, bearing over me while i kissed him back and struggled to stay upright. Eventually, i gave up and let my back hit the wooden floor, laughing as he followed and wound up on top of me. I felt his smile against my lips while i felt the bumps of his spine on my palms. I was surprised by the softness of his skin, and felt desire have its way when his hands, so big against my ribs, grasped my sides and rode my shirt up.

"Don't be too hasty," siri said teasingly. "You can't have her until i do." She pulled off of dani, who was now stripped down to his boxers, and rattled the can of whipped cream. When wessam got off of me, i moved to lean on the bean bag, and obeyed when she ordered me to open my mouth. She filled it with cream, and then followed with her lips, and it got pretty messy. She slipped my shirt over my head and i let her do it, and then looked at wessam as she sprayed the whipped cream onto my chest.

"You can share it with me if you want," she said, and at that he buried his face in my chest, along with siri. His arms were wrapped completely around my ribs, his stomach against my hips, my legs around his waist. I enjoyed that more than i enjoyed the mess of sugar and cream on my skin.

---

"Relax," he said into my ear, as he freed my jeans from the black belt. His voice in my ear sent shivers from my spine to my center, and when my jeans were completely undone, he got to his knees above me and began to pull them off, underwear and all. 'Yes,' i thought, 'finally it's gonna be done.' And i propped myself up on my elbows, to get a better view. He smilied at me as he slowly, almost teasingly slipped the clothes from my left leg, and then moved to undo the right.

"Be careful," i said, "i havent done this before."

"What?" his eyes widened.

"I havent done any of this before," i told him again.

"You're not a virgin, are you?" he asked.

"I am."

And he became even more cautious than he already was. I expected him to unbuckle his own belt, but instead, he slid his hands softly over my knees and eased them apart, gave me a devious, playful look, flicked his long tongue at me, and his head descended.

It became 100% clear to me that he was extremely experienced... Because i could barely keep my mouth shut.

As i repaid him for what he'd spent over half an hour doing, it became pretty obvious that i'd have to keep my irritating hymen for another week. It turned out it was because of some drugs he'd taken in the morning, so i shrugged it off, relieved that it wasn't because he was used to much better than what i could give. Our play went from the floor to the bed, when siri and dani promised to move aside and give us space. I didn't have to ask. I didn't have to speak. I didn't have to refuse, saying he needs some fun, too. He just gave, and kept giving, and kept giving, while i stretched out, kicked back, reached down to run my fingers through his hair, closed my eyes and entered nirvana.

All i felt was him. All i heard was him. The bed rocked from the movements of the couple beside us, but i didnt feel it. And when i felt his head lift, felt the stubble on his cheek brush the inside of my thigh, i opened my eyes and found him looking up at me, eyes wide.

"You're bleeding," he said.

"Yeah? So what?" i smiled softly and stroked his forehead.

"So you're bleeding," he said. "What's wrong?"

"I'm still a virgin, which means i still have a hymen, you know." I grinned at the look on his face.

"Are you serious? I don't wanna make you lose your virginity, sweetie."

I sighed. "That's too bad. That's exactly what i wanted."

He frowned confusedly. "Really?"

"Yeah, really," i giggled. "Now get up here, you look like you've seen a ghost."

He smiled at me, and it was a smile i couldn't describe. It was a million things in one - a smile of admiration, and care, and protectiveness, and dominance, and something deeper than that. He pulled himself up until our noses touched. His hips locked into mine. My legs wrapped around his waist. I ravaged his neck, planting purple marks where i could. He raked his fingers through my scalp and a deep kiss assaulted my normal senses. He was my protector. He was my god. He was something more than that. Suddenly, i knew that there was nothing i'd rather spend my life doing. I also knew that from then on, i would give him whatever he wanted from me. I had nothing else to lose.

We stayed like that long after siri and dani were finished and went to put on some clothes. Dani said something, and wessam looked up at him from his place on top of me with a reply that i knew was obnoxious. They wound up arguing in arabic until wessam looked at me and reverted to english.

"Baby," he said, "I gotta go. We have to meet some of dani's friends."

"Are you coming back later?" I asked hopefully.

"I can't, sweet heart, my brothers are alone at home."

"Well what about..." i ran my fingers down his back, "you know.."

"Tomorrow morning," he said. "Don't worry baby, i promise we're gonna have a good time tomorrow."

"We better," i said with a smile. "as early as you can come."

"Of course," he said with a smile. For a moment he was silent, his eyes tracing my face so thoroughly i felt like fingers were reaching out to touch it. All of a sudden, his hand was under the mass of hair, on the back of my neck, and he was kissing me as if leaving was the hardest thing he'd have to do. "You wana be my girlfriend?" he asked between kisses.

I considered our situation. We were in a red room, with a red lamp to light it, on a red colored bed, wearing almost nothing, recovering after hours of... i don't know what to call it. "Of course i wanna be your girlfriend, what did you think?" i teased, breaking into laughter.

He smiled widely, planted a wet kiss on my lips. "That's great, baby," he said, his tongue plunging into my mouth, "i'm yours now."

---

"So you think you're gonna do it?" siri asked me as we brushed our hair before her bathroom mirror. "He's so into you, you know. The whole past week he was trying to get in contact with you and kept talking about how much he missed you."

"That's good to know," i said, smiling wryly.

"Well? Are you?"

"Yeah, i am. Tomorrow, or whenever we can all come here again. I really want it out of the way and i found the perfect bidder."

"Wow," she said, brow raised. "How come you're giving it up so quickly now?" she asked. "Kris and ryan and all the others knew you for quite a while and you kicked and screamed to keep people from taking it."

"I feel like wessam deserves it, that's all, and there's no one better i could ask to lose it to - he's the top of the list. He'll do it right. Plus, we have something that i didn't have with the others."

"What's that?"

"Status, i guess. He's my man and i'm his woman. Whatever that means. At least it's something more official than what i'm used to."

"Awww, he asked you? How sweet."

"Yeah, when we were lying together.  The single month is officially over."

"Thank god," siri said whole-heartedly as we walked back to the bedroom. "You went a little too crazy for my liking without a guy in your life."

I laughed. Was i one of those peope who needed a man with me to be stable? Was i walking into a trap, easy pray for a 20 year old, to be used and then abandoned? I shrugged. Whatever it was, if he took it from me gently, it didnt matter what he did after that. Besides, its not like he was going to kill me. Anything that didnt include death or rape wasn't worth fearing, in my eyes. I guess people had screwed me over pretty badly in the past, for me to gain such a strange way of thinking. All i knew was that if he left, there would be more to come after him. I'd never need to spend much time alone.

I curled up on the makeshift bed on the ground, which consisted of two cotton mattresses, a pillow, and a duvet. I wore siri's pajamas, which i used so often she always reserved them for me (i also had my own toothbrush in her bathroom). She sat on the edge of the mattress, her guitar in her lap as she practiced, and we talked about anything and everything.

"Don't worry," i said, yawning. "I wont watch when dani comes back."

She laughed. "You expect us to have sex? He's worn out, my sexy carrot. He won't be doing anything but sleeping."

Knowing i wouldn't be getting any action either that night, i turned onto my side and fell asleep, while she played her guitar and watched.

---

"Wakey wakey," siri said. Somebody was shaking my ankle. When i opened my eyes, i found three faces staring at me and frowned.

"What the hell?" i asked, looking grouchily around.

"Hellooo," siri said playfully.  "Guess who's here?"

Wessam looked at me and tried to smile. I didn't smile back - instead i squinted at the light in the room and sighed heavily.

It dawned on me that the three of them were sitting and talking while i was dead asleep, probably with my mouth open, in the middle of their little conference. To cover up such embarassment, i made it somebody else's mistake and groaned.

"Ughhh... why did you have to wake me up?" i whined, shoving my head under the pillow.

Siri didn't take it to heart, but wessam eyed me nervously.

"I'm sorry," she said in the cheery, welcoming voice that anybody would want to hear when they approach the breakfast table, "but you'll have to get up so we can set up the mattress for wessam, babe."

I crawled out of bed and realized how weird i probably looked. My hair was halfway between afro and dreadlocks, my eyelids were heavy, and i wore blue silk shorts and a matching camisole, covered in images of yellow rubber duckies.

Damn. I helped her, zombie-like, put wessam's bed together next to mine, and as soon as we were done i flopped onto my mattress and hid my face beneath a curtain of hair. I felt like such a little kid -_-. Wessam crawled in next to me, and when he pushed the curtain of hair from my face, i found him smiling amusedly down at me. I smiled back, and wordlessly cuddled up into my new boyfriend's chest, simply because i felt like i could. Nobody else had ever given me that feeling - even siri, who i spent night after night with, would have to make the first move before i even considered cuddling her.

"Baby," he said, stroking my back as if i was a cat, "i'm sorry i woke you up. But i missed you so much, i decided to screw my brothers and spend the night with you. It's fine if you wanna go back to sleep."

I curled my leg between both of his. I couldn't be close enough to him. "Dani and Siri are unconscious now," i said. "Why would i ever want to sleep?"

He smiled, and i felt soft laughter rumble through his chest against my ear. "You have a point, baby."

I felt a hand slip beneath the silk waistband of my shorts, and draped my leg over his waist. A finger teased at me, and i merely drove my hips more strongly into his.

"You ready for this?" he asked.

"Yeah," i replied. "I am."

I was in his hands. I watched him throw back the bed covers. I watched him slip off the silk shorts, and watched him pull my legs apart. I lay back and let him take care of it, watching curiously as he draped one leg over his shoulder and kissed the knee that was against his cheek.

"I love you," he said.

I didn't know what to say. I love you, too? Should i lie exactly the way he's lying to me now? I knew, with the coldness that was still in my heart, that he didn't mean it. And when i replied wiht the same words, i knew i didn't mean it either. I knew, though, that someday he would mean it, and, if i was lucky, someday i would, too. We were more than a simple hook-up, though. There was something special to it.

Usually, there's a sort of dating ritual that we all have to go through when we meet strangers we're attracted to. We go out a few times, have a few deep conversations, and several weeks later, decide if we fit or not. If we do, maybe there'll be sex. Maybe there'll just be a few innocent kisses and official dinner dates, another few months until the sex actually comes - and then, we're partners. But somewhere between Wessam's return to siri's apartment and this present moment, we had gone from strangers to partners. There was no sign of the ritual i was so accustomed to.

But i knew i was right, when i knew i could lie back and trust him to do it all. I was so satisfied and so at peace it was like dreaming - until the shock of pain woke me up. I gasped, hard, and he wrapped me up in his arms, his brow against mine, as he apologized for the pain. I breathed hard, my eyes watering, and as i tried to catch my breath, the coppery smell of fresh blood filled the air. He waited without having to be asked to wait, and only pulled away from the embrace when i told him it was ok. He talked me through it, dominant and powerful, but tender and cautious and extremely affectionate all the same. I was taken with him. I didn't recognize feelings of love at the time, but i knew that no matter how icy i got, i'd be with him forever if that was what he wanted. I would give him anything he asked for, simply because i knew he would only ask for good reason.

It was strange how we became so tightly bonded, so quickly. Even in my apathy, which was showing the minor first signs of waning, i knew that we would be spending a long, long time together.

We lay together when it was over, him on his right side, me on my left, so we could taste each other's breaths. "You all right, sweetheart?" he asked eventually.

"Yeah," i said, smiling tiredly. "I'm perfect."

"That doesn't look all right though," he said, taking a look at the mess he'd created. He kissed my forehead and stood. "Stay here," he said.

I hooked an arm behind my head and sighed with relief - not because the pain was over, but because i'd maintained such a virgnity long enough to give it to someone who would use it right. Siri stirred in her sleep and woke up, and when she saw the blood and the blue pyjamas on the floor, she added two and two together and got four.

"Somebody's gonna have to clean that up," she said deviously.

"Go to sleep," i said with a laugh.

She winked at me, turned over to face dani, and did as she was told.

Wessam returned from the bathroom, bearing a wet towel and a dry one, to clean up the blood he'd caused to shed. He hadn't offered and i hadn't asked. I didn't have to ask. The way he cleaned it up, as gently and as thoroughly as necessary, was another example of how he'd treat me for the years to come - i just didn't know it yet. I knew that he was familiar now, even though it was only the second time we met. He was somebody i could curl up with and expect to be cuddled by - he was somebody who'd become more to me than anybody ever would.

When we slept that night, i had an odd dream centered around him. I went from sleeping with one wessam to sleeping with another one, and i didn't know how to get back to the right one. In the end, i realized it didnt matter which one it was, wessam was wessam all the same. He woke up several times during the night to kiss my forehead, or my cheek, or tuck hair behind my ears. We'd been at it from 1 til 3, but still, somehow, we woke up at six, and did it all again. It was a perfect first experience with the perfect cantidate, and i regarded him proudly when i remembered he was mine. "You look like an angel when you're sleeping," he said, with the same admiring smile that i was beginning to love.

Eventually, siri and dani began waking up. The four of us were all tired and all naked, with only white bedsheets to cover us up. Whatever immodesty had clouded the room last night was lessened now. Siri sat cross legged on the bed, leaning back on dani's chest while he leaned back against the wall. Wessam and i, for quite a while, did nothing but lie together, staring at the ceiling, cigarettes smouldering in our hands. Eventually i sat up, covered up to my chest in the white bedsheets, my hair a giant, puffed up mess while wessam laid his head in my lap.

The lust in the room had sparked out with exhaustion. We merely drank water and smoked cigarettes, and dani kissed siri's shoulder from behind while i played with wessam's hair, stroked his forehead, smiled down at him whenever he smiled up at me. The morning sunlight filtered through the windows, shining on my hair and making it glow red. We could see the dust floating around the room. It smelled like cigarettes and sex and whipped cream and beer and sweet perfume. Whatever we talked about, i can't remember now, but i know we talked softly, and with ease and happiness. There was no cussing, no laughing, no loud arguing. Only beautiful bodies barely wrapped in white.

"We have to go buy something," dani said eventually, as he pulled on his clothes and later his boots.

"Where should we meet, then?" Siri asked.

"Anywhere. Beanos, if you want. You look like you need a cold coffee," dani said with a smirk.

"Okay. We'll call you when we're there," siri said.

I took a shower while the guys left. Siri's mom wasn't happy to hear that i lost my virginity in her house - she could hear it through the door when she woke up in the morning. Siri and i accepted it all, took the blame, and left when she allowed us to. We talked the whole time we were at beanos, smoking cigarettes and drinking cold cocktails. We sat by the window in the cafe.

"You're so lucky you can have nights like that whenever you want," i told her with a smile.

"Yeah well, you could too, but considering what's going on with my mom, it doesnt sound like it'll happen again."

She seemed to blame the issue with her mom mostly on me, and it pissed me off, because it meant she didn't talk much and she wasn't all that friendly. But she looked out the window as i drank earl grey tea and laughed. "That's so them."

 I couldn't help but laugh with her, when i saw what she spoke of. They walked side by side, black shirts, dark jeans, fists clenched and arms buffed up, like they were ready to kill somebody.

"That's our men," she said playfully.

We didn't tell them what had gone on with her mom when we sat together. I don't know why - i guess it would have ruined a nice day. Wessam and i didn't talk much, or at all - it was mostly siri and Dani. The cloud had fully lifted, and we were staring our actions in the face.  I was purely apathetic about it, and didnt care if i'd lost something or gained something or simply had nothing to begin with. At least the hymen was out of the way.

When we walked back, it was kind of awkward. I walked with wessam and tried to reach for his hand, once again unsure of how to act, but he didn't want to take it. I smirked a little, wondering if i was right about being used and smirking simply because once again, i'd told the future.

"How you doing?" He asked me.

"I'm so tired," i told him. "I could pass out right now."

He gave me a knowing, expressive smile that went way past his eyes, and laughed. "I'm not surprised, sweetie."

I wasn't in love with him and i almost hadn't cared for him at the time - i was remaining emotionally aloof because i knew it was for my own good, and it was - the whole holding-hands thing didn't freak me out or fill me with doubts, and it didn't make me worry.

When i got home, i could barely walk. I made it to the TV and flopped down on the chinese pillows, finding that his teeth had been so rough i couldn't even sit right.

"So you were with siri and her boyfriend last night?" my dad asked, coming up to me.

"Yeah, i was. It was a nice day."

"I don't like you seeing her with him, you know."

I started arguing with my dad about how siri and dani were not a bad thing or a danger to my health, and how siri's parents weren't negligent or insane. And then the last word popped, as he was walking away.

"If you ever think of dating a 20-year-old Egyptian man, you'll be in big trouble, and he won't be allowed anywhere near you. Ok?"

I didn't say anything. But the goal was clear in my mind. Keep wessam a secret, and nobody will get hurt.

For the meantime though, i had other issues. I had to figure out if i could call Wessam my boyfriend or not. If not, i was being pursued by Kris, and that might have been a good time to take him.

Lynne, this is perhaps one of the most beautiful experiences about surrendering the last bastion of childhood that I have ever read. I am so happy for you that your first time was so wonderful and magickal. Every girl's first time should be so beautiful, my young friend, and no matter what happens now, you will always have that memory, and it will guide you through the rest of your life in ways you might not even imagine...

Hi Lynne. Just popping in to say hi and wish you a great day.

Hey holly :) sorry i'm taking so long to reply. I was relieved by your comment - i wasn't too sure how the readers would percieve something so graphic and i'm really glad you saw the poetry and significance behind it :) It's funny how it seems so magical in this post, but at the time there was almost nothing magical about it - the heavy metal music and the two men in their black shirts and black wristbands and big, heavy boots didn't really set a romantic mood :p heheh. It was more of a devious, careless, doubtlessly sinful night than anything else, with a guy i'd only known for a week. Somehow though, you're right. The idea of walking onto slippery ground with complete confidence and carelessness, taking a risk and being rewarded with a wonderful result is, in its own way, ultimately beautiful.