"So what do you think?" siri asked slyly into my ear.

We were in a bedroom full of cigarette smoke, with Kris, Wessam, and two of his friends. It was around 7pm. We had purchased siri's new accoustic guitar, which now rested in its carrier bag against the bedpost, where siri, kris, wessam and i were lying.

"Of him?" i whispered back.

"Yeah."

"He's... big." that was all i could say. Physically big and mentally big and big when it came to age - much bigger than i was used to. But i didn't really care.

I had taken Kris back to my house after class at three that thursday, and had rushed around the room trying to find an appropriate top for the night. I knew it would be more than just a guitar purchase. We would be hanging out.

We hailed a cab at four to siri's apartment building, talking all the way like we had always done before that crazy night, a month before, and i hadn't realized how much i missed his friendship until then. His amusing randomness and stupidity was something i'd always enjoyed, and grown used to having around me all the time. I was happy to have him their with me - when i told him what i would be doing this weekend, he immediately asked if he could join us and i impulsively agreed.

When we first saw wessam, i was surprised by his appearance. He truly was a man, face and sturdy bone structure, height and all. When he reached out to shake my hand, he froze, his eyes on my face. It only lasted a moment before he shook my hand, blinked repetitively, and went on to greet Kris.

 He spoke more to siri than he did to me - i had merely shook his hand. Heliopolis was a very local upper class place, so the three of us stuck out like sore thumbs. We'd gone to the music store, looked at the guitars - and the awkwardness of the situation led to kris and i sticking together more often than not. Siri was on a little bit of a high horse.

"I'm so embarassed right now," she had said to me.

"Why?"

she suggestively flicked her eyes from kris to me, kris to me, and i couldn't help but roll my own and look away. She'd put on a big black shirt with a white skull on it and all of a sudden she was a metalhead with two awkward prep school tag-alongs. Yeah, sure.

When we'd bought the guitar, we returned to the main street, where guys in their 20s hung around in black shirts. Most of them were probably either drunk or high. Two of wessam's friends were sitting on top of a car's hood, and when they shook my hand they both gave me the suggestive, overtly warm, winking smiles that informed me of how much they would like to screw me. Nice. -_- i felt attractive, but also incredibly out of place.

Then, of course, the question of where i was from came up. The lenght of the story turned almost into a joke.

"But you look egyptian, girl," one of his friends said. I'd later know him as seif.

Wessam gave me a scrutinizing look, and then turned to his friends. "She could pass for an egyptian. And very fucking beautiful too."

Siri looked at me, eyebrows raised suggestively and went "oooooooh " as the others laughed in agreement.

They talked to one another in arabic, and then wessam turned to us.

"Hey, do you guys wana go to a party?"

"A party?" i pictured masses of drunk people i didn't know, and the three of us being wallflowers.

"Not a party yany... just the six of us hanging out in a cool place, smoking cigarettes, whatever" he shrugged.

We looked towards each other and agreed, and at that point, Wessam's friends sat in the driver and passanger seats, and the four of us squeezed into the back. As usual, i took siri's lap and leaned on Kris's chest. It was the way it always worked.

"You should be on her lap," wessam said to siri as we started driving, "not the other way around."

"No," siri said, patting my thigh. "I like having her ass on me. She's cushiony."

Mido, his other friend, was really nice. I hadn't figured out that he couldn't speak english yet, but when i got out of the car and leaned on the back, he came to stand next to me, smiling a friendly smile, and proceeded to lead me up the staircase, floor after floor, until we reached the right door. That friendly smile never left his face.

In Seif's bedroom, we got to being very at home and secure. Seif and Mido sat on the bed across from ours, and the four of us crowded onto the other one. I was pretty inexperienced with the right way to smoke, and didn't even know how to flick the ash into the ashtray - i'd kind of forgotten how. So mido showed me, tapping the filter with his thumb. I picked up on the easy task immediately and returned to the other bed.

Eventually the hash came. I watched them roll the joint and light it, and then, all of a sudden, mido placed the entire burning thing in his mouth, with the tip sticking out between his teet, and moved his face towards mine. I didn't know what i was supposed to do and none of them explained it to me, but he blew the smoke into my mouth and i breathed it in, eventually breathing it out again. He pulled away laughing fondly, and, as they all watched, they advised me on how to do it the next time. They called it a backfire. I Breathed it in, deeply, and turned away from him to breathe it all out again. Siri and Kris both tried it out, too, and then the three of us lazed on the bed, waiting to feel the high.

Wessam came over, grabbed a pillow, and lay down between us. Siri and i fooled around a little, kissing both his cheeks, and eventually kris got up to fool with the guitar and Mido came over to join in on the fun. He wound up touching my arms and commenting on how soft they were, which made me smirk a little when i remembered ryan, and then he started kneading the inside of my left thigh and trying to eat my face. I pulled away, telling him i can't go that fast when i've just met him, and he shrugged reasonably. "okay."

I occupied myself with siri. She had promised, without my knowledge, to give them all another one of our shows, so i made out with her, and we could feel all the stares in the room. It was a very choppy, on and off show, with random intervals in between. Within those times wessam was getting closer to me, but the past conversations we'd had already installed a small amount of trust for him that i didn't have for mido.

It was a little bit of an orgy. I was leaning on his arm, and he was still closer to siri because they'd been talking for the past month at least. But when i saw her lean over to him and kiss him, i was taken aback. Wessam was Dani's best friend - and that was pretty damn low. When i looked at her, she realized what i meant and had sat on the edge of the bed, her head in her hands, until Wessam pulled her out of the room to talk to her.

I waited alone with a cigarette for them to get back, and made eye contact with Kris across the room. We exchanged smiles and glares and narrowed eyes, but there were no words. I guess we were having a pretty complicated night. But siri returned, a more easygoing look on her face, and wessam plopped himself down next to me. I took off my white blouse, and he placed it over his face, commenting on how good it smelled. Kris watched as he taught me how to smoke cigarettes the right way, breathing it all the way into my lungs so that the nicotine would fully get to my head. When Kris flopped onto his corner of the bed again, i looked at him and smiled.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, woman, just tired," he said, but he didn't look all that tired.

At some point, within all the kisses wessam planted on my cheek and the music that played and the things we laughed about, the subject of how many people i'd kissed in our group came up, from siri's mention of it. "Jesus" she said, that's around 5 people right?"

"First skander," i said, "Then you, siri, and then you, Kris," i smirked at him, "And then ryan."

"Four down, two to go, eh?" Siri teased. She explained the dynamics of our group to wessam, and he looked at me with a smile.

"Well with that face, i'm not all that surprised."

"So when are the last two coming?" She asked.

"Elmo and alex? fuck me."

"It's only alex and elmo.. come on..."

"That's not me," i insisted. "I don't know why i was even with ryan in the first place. It's screwed over. It's really just not right."

"Damn right it's not," Kris said grudgingly. "It's just fucking with people's heads."

"Ok, first of all," i began, "you shouldn't even be talking, cause the pot and the kettle are black. Second of all, it was different with ryan than it was with you, and -"

"Oh sure," he hissed, "With every guy it's different, right?"

"What the fuck is your problem?" I asked.

"Okay, shut up," he said angrily, "i'm not gonna get into this again."

"No, tell me what the hell is wrong, damnit! You disconnected yourself from me didn't you?"

"I said i dont wanna get into this all over again, damnit!"

I sighed hard. If it bothered him so friggin badly, why would he have pushed me away in the first place, when i was offering him everything? Suddenly, i was feeling pretty bad, and decided to enjoy wessam's attention instead.

I liked how he patted my knee or laughed into my leg when seif or mido came up with something random to say. I snapped one of his black wristbands when his hand was on my stomach, and without one word he'd pulled it off of his hand and slipped it onto mine. "I met you two hours ago and already i like giving you things," he said with a smile. "It looks good on you."

I cant remember when we started kissing, but it was pretty obvious that he'd had more experience than any of my past lovers. The tongue movement was different, and the way he held me against him was different. It was more secure, more protective and more caring. As soon as i was in his arms, i felt like i could have stayed there forever and lose myself, freely, without any fear or concern. He gave me that feeling when nobody else ever could have before. I didn't know if it would be a one night hook up or a permanent thing, but i didn't really care. All i cared about was being there in that moment, engulfed in such a feeling.

All of a sudden though, the doorbell rang and everybody fell silent. We waited 30 seconds, and suddenly the door burst open and men in black shirts poured into the room. It became a huge party.

 His entire gang had arrived, adding at least 8 more guys to the party of 6.

"It's a cock fest!" siri said into my ear - and that it was. They passed by, shaking all our hands, and so many of them froze when they got to me it was funny. Siri, already accustomed to kissing me all night,  pulled me towards her before i knew what was going on and closed her lips over mine. I settled into the movements and lip locking. At first, nobody seemed to notice. But, one after the other, their eyes flicked towards the bed, and soon they were cheering. The whole thing was pretty amusing, as we discovered how easy it was to manipulate a male crowd. One guy barely did more than smoke cigarettes and sit next to our bed, watching.

"Hello," siri said cheekily.

"Hellooooo," he said back, smiling as if we'd made his wildest dreams come true.

Any nervousness that could have been left in my mind had disappeared completely, because these guys were all just as friendly as Dani. When wessam started kissing me again though, i was sort of relieved. The amount of attention, hopefully, would lessen as the bisexual tendencies dissolved from the room. I became addicted to his kisses because of how deep and passionate they were. I was sure he'd slept around from so much expertise. Months later, wessam told me that he'd never kissed like that before, in his life. He was following me and my movements and my expertise. Kind of funny, considering i was the 15 year old prep-school student who only just started drinking again. When his hand slithered over my chest though, i recoiled, more because of the pain than because i didn't want to move too fast. He immediately apologized and reclaimed my mouth with his.

The entire night had gone that way. A guy  across the room on the other bed asked me where i'm from, and i smiled, telling him it was a really long story. They were all fascinated by siri and i and rained us with interviews.

"Hey siri," wessam said, "Can i borrow your girl?"

"No," she said darkly, "she's mine."

But the second her head was turned, we were making out again. He offered to take me to another room, but my mood darkened when i realized what he wanted.

"For what?" I asked.

"Because... there's so many fuckin people here," he said with a smile. "It's cool if you wanna stay here though."

"Lets just... take it slow," i said.

The ease of the room was really enjoyable - everybody was comfortable and there was no reason to feel awkward or worried. The same couldn't be said for kris though - he had stayed in his corner, watching everything happen with an upset scowl marring his attractive face. Jealousy burns, and i was sure as hell that this is what it was.

When a jar with a smoking joint arrived, wessam and his friend taught me how to take it in.

"When he slips the cover back, put your nose or your mouth on the rim and breathe it in. It might hurt a bit."

"It's gonna hurt?" i said, and i backed away.

"Not unbearably. It's fine."

His friend held the jar up for me and when he slipped the CD case from the top of the jar, i sucked in all of the smoke i could.

"Hold it in," they told me, one of wessam's hands covering mine. I nodded.

"And release it," his friend told me. When i blew it out, they smiled proudly and his friend patted my knee. "Good girl," he said, and wessam curved his arm around my waist. I realized Kris had been watching, the ubiquitous smile gone, replaced with an irritable scowl. Somehow, i didn't care.

When they all begged us for another show, siri and i  playfully refused, telling them the only way we'd do anything is if they gave us a show of our own. For a stretch of the next three minutes, the room  was full of laughing and loud refusals. Everybody was in stitches but Kris.

"Can i have one last kiss?" wessam asked siri, his fingers playing with the soft flesh on my waist.

"Fine," siri said, and she leaned in towards me.

"No, one last kiss from your girl."

"Ohhh..." siri nodded and laughed. "Yeah, you can have her for a while, but remember she's mine."

Siri and i had always used to play that little game. Whenever skander wanted to kiss me, or kris wanted to kiss me, she'd playfully refuse and claim ownership. Apparenlty, i figured out it was because i almost always regretted what i'd done the morning after, and she knew i didn't know how to say no.

"We gotta go," she said eventually. "It's eleven thirty now and my mom will shoot me if we don't leave soon."

"How about you go," wessam said, "and lynn stays? i wanna take her home with  me."

"oooh..." she drawled, "come on, lynn will get so lost if she tries to get back home by herself." she laughed.

"Haha, that's probably true," i agreed.

We ended up leaving pretty soon afterwards. We said goodbye to the room of young men and they all waved affectionately back, telling us that they'd better see us again as soon as possible. I couldn't help but like these people, even if they were a bunch of drug addicts. Maybe it was the friendliness they all threw at us, and maybe it was my own apathy, ignoring every bad or every good point there was.

While we took the elevator down and walked to the front of the building, Kris spoke on his cell phone to his dad in lithuanian - and seif and wessam eyed him curiously.

"He's being an ass." he told us. "He thinks i'm a little girl and i'll get raped if i stay the night out, so i'm gonna have to take a cab home - i told him i was about to. Just from twice as far away this time."

But siri and i both knew that his dad never had problems with him staying out on a thursday night. He always stayed the night at siri's house and left in the afternoon the next day. So what was the problem? it was obvious that he felt so shaken up he needed to get home. And i felt bad, but i didn't know what to say. He'd never been bothered by the idea of seeing me kiss someone else before. But now he was. And if that was the case, then only he's to blame.

Seif drove us to the main road, where they made us wait in the car for them to hail a cab to siri's neighborhood. Siri and Kris slid into the back seat, but i gave wessam a hug and felt him plant a kiss on my cheek before getting inside. They waved until the cab turned a corner and took us home.

The entire drive, Kris was quiet. I'd felt the effects of the hash and laid my head on siri's lap for the 40 minutes it took to get where we needed to be. Thoughts were turning over and over in my head and i was damn confused. Why would all of them in there have the capacity to want me, while Kris didn't? Why was i good enough for a 20 year old metalhead, but not good enough for one of my best friends? It didn't make sense, but what's done was done, and whatever had happened that night, it built a line between me and wessam that could have been there since i was born. There was no turning back now and no chance for second chances. Kris and i would never be together, and at that moment, i didn't care. I was happy to meet someone else and i didnt honestly care about anything.

I had tried to be cold and indifferent ever since kris screwed me over, and eventually it had worked, so much so that when the thought came into my head that i was probably being used by this 20-year-old metalhead, i didn't care. Who cares, i asked myself. Who am i to deny him? If it stayed that shallow, why not take it as it is until it withers away? And if it plunges deeper than that, good for me, i'll have another chance to be happy. But still, who cares? It's just me, just lynn, no one particularly special or interesting or intelligent or wonderful, i wrote in my journal the next morning. I can't expect to be anything more than the sexually exploited, stained, rebelllious failure of a girl that drove her own mother insane.

 Kris needed to go up with us to get his bag, and while we waited by the elevators for Siri to collect his stuff, we gave each other bad looks. And i remembered who i was - i was the one who always cared.

"I wish you'd tell me whats wrong," i said.

"Nothing's wrong," he said stiffly.

"I'm sorry..." i said, "if your night was crap."

"It wasn't," he said half heartedly.

"You just didn't look too happy."

"Well what the fuck was i supposed to do? I mean, you were fucking busy most of the night, weren't you?" he snapped.

I was taken aback, and went to bed with the same feeling that i woke up with the next morning, until i saw wessam's black wristband on my wrist. I was still cold, still indifferent, and still careless, to the point where Siri's beneficial friend came over and we had a little bit of a make-out threesome, where they both stripped down and my clothes stayed on. I wasn't particularly proud of it, but i didn't care enough to regret it. Damn. I just didn't care at all.

And suddenly, the roles had switched places. I knew that if wessam was taking me as a fling, then it was good for both of us that i stayed cold. But if he was taking me seriously, then i would slowly and surely screw him over, because i was sure nothing could fix me.