"Come here," siri said, and she hugged me at the doorway. It was around 5pm, and i was at her house for a girly night in, with some vodka and some snacks.

"I missed you," i said affectionately - she was the one person i could still feel something for. She was familiar and she was trustworthy.

"So did I," she said, and we took our stuff to the front room, overlooking the nile at least 100 feet below us.

"You may have to deal with a couple hours without me - my uncle's going back to germany tomorrow with my dad so i have to say bye to them both in the morning."

"That's fine," i said. "I'll miss you though. Who am i supposed to hug, the pillow?"

We  were always this intimate. Ever since we got close we had this sort of blase- sisterly relationship, where sexuality wasn't in any way a mystery. For a few hours, we talked about everything - including Ryan, the stomach pump, Kris, and Dani.

"You given any thought to what i said?" she asked me.

"About wessam?" I flicked cigarette ash into the ashtray and shrugged. I had just started smoking cigarettes, and i loved the feeling it gave me when it got to my head. The inhaling and exhaling had already become enjoyable and my smoking would only worsen over time. "I don't know. He's 20 and i'm 15. And as you said, he's on every drug possible. He sounds really nice though. Is he hot?"

She took her laptop out and showed me several pictures. "He's not skinny like dani - he's kind of chubby. But he's adorable." I couldn't help but agree. I saw pictures of him in front of the pyramids, and on the street with Dani, and drinking beer and wine with dani, and smoking joints of weed with dani. I noticed his soft eyes and very gentle smile.

"He definitely looks his age," i remarked. It was a man i saw in the pictures. It occurred to me that i was a fifteen year old international school student who couldn't even handle teenage boys, but i didn't really care. If he was interested he was interested. And why disappoint someone as good looking and obviously as daring as he was?

"I've told him all about you. How you've just broken up with your boyfriend and now every guy around you is trying to jump on you -  and most are succeeding."

"Oh god," i said, laughing. "Nice first impression that must be."

"Well i showed him a few pictures of you. The ones we took with my laptop that night when you fought with skander, remember?"

"You mean the weird, twisted Mac pictures? Even worse first impression now." I giggled.

"Don't worry, he'll see how hot you are in person pretty soon."

"It doesnt matter. Is he a virgin?"

"Well.. he doesn't sleep around but he's definitely not a virgin. Does he look like a virgin to you?"

I saw the weed joint in his mouth and the rum bottle in his hand. No. He was definitely not a virgin. I didn't really care. I wasn't all that pure either.

Siri and i left to go to our usual shisha cafe. She already had vodka waiting for us at home, but we thought we'd go out for a smoke from the water pipes first. We had to walk through the winding, dark streets of zamalek before we could get there, and we passed a large group of guys in black shirts. They started a commotion as we passed, callling out and saying some pretty vulgar shit. Most of them didn't have any pride to begin with, and that much was very obvious.

"You like babies?" somebody called out in hilariously bad english. "I vant to make babies wiz you!"

"Go fuck yourself!" i called back.

"No! You go fuck me!" he replied.

"Grow some balls first, and a proper dick, you underdeveloped little shit!"

Siri looked back and waved her middle finger at him, and we turned a corner.

"Fucking egyptians," she said, her tone low. "The men here have  a liscence to be as ugly and slutty and stupid as they want to - and we're the ones that have to compensate for their lack of dignity by covering up and being perfect. Imagine if the women here were as bad as the men - this would be the most embarassing country on earth to originate from."

She was right. But we forgot about it as we sat in the shisha cafe. I had felt a cold shiver down my back when all that started up - they were most likely drug addicts in their 20s - but it was more than just new fear. There was old fear there too. I was angry that i could still let happenings from almost 3 years ago bother me until that very day. I mentally chided myself and we ordered drinks and shishas.

As we smoked, a remarkably attractive waiter was giving me the rape face. I smiled back. He was the one that replaced the coals on our shisha, and every time he would give me a warmer-than-normal smile. Siri and i smiled suggestively at each other.

"He seems to think he'll be getting laid tonight," i said.

"Oh, he wont," siri said surely, "but you will."

I didn't understand what she meant, but i didnt ask her to elaborate. Instead, all of a sudden, we were talking about a friend of hers who's been talking to her the past few days as if she's in distress and about to jump off a building.

"The world is going to shit," she said. "I'm suicidal, she's suicidal, another friend of mine has been suicidal for the past two years, and now, you're suicidal."

"I didn't try to kill myself."

"You were in the hospital for five hours in intensive care."

"I didnt try to kill myself," i insisted again.

"You still followed a bottle of pills with a bottle of whiskey."

I sighed. She was right, and i hated that she was right, because i hadn't even meant to bring it that far in the first place and now everybody considered me as a ticking bomb just waiting to self-destruct.

 "Why don't i invite him over?" siri asked all of a sudden. "I think you need some feeling to wake you up."

Once again, i didnt know what she meant, but i didnt bother to ask about it. What was the point anyway? I'd figure out soon enough without wasting my breath.

He replied with a text saying that he cant come because he's at the dentist. She replied, saying "i hope it doesnt hurt, take care." and he replied with "Aww, that's so sweet from you, thx."

Obviously he was a guy who loved endearments, i thought to myself. Maybe getting to know him wouldn't be such a bad idea.

We paid the bill and our hot waiter came up to us, asking for my number. At the time i didn't have a cellphone - mine was inactive after skander borrowed my charger and gave the wrong one back two months later. So he gave his number to siri and she pretended to save it.

We walked back pretty dizzy from the shisha. Often times we would walk back with her arm around me, and she would announce every step up or step down onto the pavement that we'd have to take. Shisha used to have a strong effect on me - it made me dizzy and relaxed and slightly stupid, but i loved it, and she seemed to enjoy supporting me, as if i was drunk, while we walked through the streets.

When we got back to her house, we immediately entered her room. It was lit only by a lamp. We lit cigarettes, opened bottles of vodka, and reclined on the bed.

We were both pretty tipsy by the time the bottles were done, and suddenly, an overwhelming wave of bi-curiosity hit us. It had often done so before, and we were sure that it wouldn't stop bothering us until we tried something out. As she leaned in towards me and took my mouth in hers, i wondered if it was a good idea. But then i decided that, as a meaningless one-night-stand that would answer a lot of questions for us, why not just live a little?

I went with the flow and followed her movements. When she decided to bring some tongue into it, i did the same. When she decided to take off my top, i took off hers. When suddenly it occured to me that this would become much more than just making out, i smiled. Why not?

It turned into four or five hours of oral, among many other things, aided by baby oil and her huge library of itunes songs, on party shuffle. To the relief of all the squeamish people who may read this, i wont say any more about it than that.

I woke up once when siri was putting on her clothes, while her mom told her it was time to go to the airport. By the time i woke up again she was fully dressed and fast asleep under the covers. I got up and went to the bathroom, finding the same red spotting as i had at Kris's house. This time though, i felt nothing. I wasn't elated and in love with the physical pain like i had been that night in march, nor was i disgusted or awkward. I hoped things wouldn't change too drastically after the hookup - because to me, it was a one night stand to reveal to myself whether i liked girls just as much as i liked guys. And suddenly, i was no longer curious and no longer needed to question my sexuality - i had experimented enough.

"All this and i'm still only fifteen," i said to myself with sarcasm. What the hell could be next?

I put the shower on the hottest temperature i could stand and scrubbed away all the things that were mixed with the blood and baby oil on my skin. Not to clean away last night - because it had shown me that i could only be emotionally attached to a man - but just to clean away the blood. I was suddenly annoyed with this hymen that refused to break. I remembered one point in time when i had to get siri to stop because i could feel it being stretched and the pain was excruciating. I was suddenly tired of being a virgin. Ever since i grew boobs the amount of people that had been after it was starting to get ridiculous, and all of a sudden i was tired of having to carry it around with me. It was like a life obstacle separating me from one side of life to another, and i wanted it gone. Plus, i'd like to have fun without having to wash out the blood the next day.

For a moment i realized just how unemotional i'd become, and i was suddenly glad that i'd gotten to that point where nothing really mattered anymore. When nothing matters, it's impossible to get hurt. And when you have nothing to lose, there's nothing holding one back from taking risks or living a little crazily.

When i came back into the room siri was on her laptop. "Wessam wants to take us to buy an accoustic guitar at a music store in heliopolis, where he lives, next weekend."

"Since when?" I asked

"Just now on MSN," she said.

"I need a pad." I said randomly.

"Why?" she asked.

"I now have bloody underwear," i answered.

"Period?"

"No..." i said. I should have been blushing but i really didnt care. "You know what it is."

"Did i break you in?" she asked, her eyes wide.

"Not all the way. This is a strong little fucker."

She smiled a little shyly, and when she walked me out to take a cab home we didn't even hug. She was shrinking away, shy as well as awkward. I was just a little less loving than usual.

When i got home and we were on MSN, she confronted what had happened. "Well, i guess i'm straight now."

"So am i," i said surey.

"Yeah. It was fun though. "

"Definitely. I'd do it for the fun of it, but that's all. It doesn't go past sex."

"Yeah. So now i can enjoy dani's dick fully and know that i'm straight. And you can do the same with wessam. "

"I havent even spoken one word to him yet," i said incredulously.

"I know. But let's change that." she gave him my email, and we had a three way conversation. It was normal stuff. But every day for the next week we were talking online. Most of the time he was stoned, but he would come online and if i was there, he'd immediately say hi. I let my wild side out when i talked to him, because i knew he was the one who'd be most likely to understand/appreciate it. He was completely different than any guy i'd gotten to know before. I still wasn't completely over Kris, and i was still in my fucked up state of mind, but he somehow brought me out of it whenever we talked. I became more and more curious about him, and in another six days, i was getting a cab ready to go and meet siri, and later wessam.