It was a tuesday, and i had just showed Ryan  the door. My mouth was still red and swollen because he didn't know the difference between sucking and kissing. I was feeling oddly careless. I didn't know what to say.

It had started on the thursday before it, when he first showed that he was interested in me.

Two days earlier, i'd gone to school dizzy and faint from being awake until 5am, having my stomach pumped. It was my fault and i was the stupid one for doing it, but something had overtaken my usual way of thinking ever since i'd realized how easy life would be, if i lived like kris, careless over anything and everything and free of all the worries. But it wasn't what created it - seeing him was just the boost that pushed an old, deeply rooted button and made me the way i was.

And when my parents pulled another one of their hateful schemes on me, i snapped. I should have been crying but i couldn't - i was so frustrated that i couldnt, that i drew the tearstains on myself with black eyeliner. I got to my secret stash of whiskey and drank it down. The music was turned up. I was exhausted and i was numb, and the alcohol had only made me more indifferent than i already was to the world. I didn't know what to do with myself and i didn't know how to act. I found my medication - i was already drowning in 17 different pills per day. Hoping a fatal thyroid storm would hit, i was drunk and half asleep, and i poured the whole bottle into my mouth. The only liquid in the room was Whiskey. I washed it down with that.

When i realized what i had done, 20 minutes had passed and the cloud of rage and hopelessness had thinned to the point where i could see clearly. I rushed to the bathroom, unable to breathe, and my knees slammed onto the tiled floor, and my fingers found their way down my throat and i retched - i was already familiar with such a feeling, with the stomach muscle convulsions and the water that my eyes squeezed out, as  i'd tried being a bulimic for the same woman that i'd swallowed the pills for, just a moment ago. Had she ignored me completely,  i would be a more normal person than i am now.

Throwing up seemed almost impossible, and then, by the time anything came out, it was red stained and made my mouth water with its sharp, metallic taste. Blood. Where the hell did that come from?

Nobody asked me why i did it when i went to the hospital at first. My dad was an asshole, and understandably so, but still, i didnt feel like he had the right to be such a bitch, after everything he'd done. I could have stood there in front of all the people that questioned my motives with their eyes and tell them all exactly why i had overdosed in the first place - and then they would have known that it ws him they should have been giving the eyes to - not me. But i didnt. I felt like i'd already punished him enough.

By the time the stomach pump was over, i was placed in my own room, in patient, which really sucked. My dad tried to give me a serious talk about why i did it, as if it had something to do with school or friends (please, like i'd go that far for fucking petty reasons like that) so i gave him an incredulous look, told him to keep the fuck away from me, turned around and went to sleep. Men with needles and charts came back and forth, to stick them into my arms and ask me questions and do a heart monitoring. For a while, a doctor spent ages sticking the needle in and out of my arm, trying to find the vein, and my heart rate went past 200BPM, to the point where the monitor's alarm went off.

But i couldn't even feel the pain. I couldn't feel anything. I had smiled politely at everybody i met in the hospital - as they dragged me from hallway to hallway, i had followed with a casual walk and a polite expression - as if i was walking through a shopping mall, one of the doctors had said. They all acted fast, as if trying to pull me into a tragic, upbeat movie scene, but i fell behind, genuinely not giving a shit if my stomach got pumped or not.

When the young head doctor put me into bed, he gave me a humorous look.

"You're so pretty. Why would you waste all that prettiness with a bunch of pills? You don't like egypt?"

I smirked at his heavy arabian accent. "No, egypt's fine, but my mom is a bitch and my dad is a dickhead with his head in the ground, so that even when his bitch of a wife does the worst things, his head is in the ground and he doesn't have to see it."

"You mean the white man? But he's a white man. He can't be that bad."

"He and his little bitch do everything they can to make me lose my mind - and then they discredit themselves and blame it on whoever's around me. It's been like that for the past two years - no, since i got finger raped. No... since i hit puberty. Actuallly, probably before i even learned to speak."

He gave me a pitying look which i hated, but i knew the meaning behind it. At least somebody got it.

I had to go to school the next day though. I had an english presentation that i was incapable of doing because if i stood up there after everything that had happened, i'd screw it up with all the other crap going through my mind. My english teacher wasn't happy with it - her anger was obvious even in the polite tone she used, but she was the english teacher who knew the extent of my talent from the very beginning, and also knew the extent of my plight. She didn't know that it just got a lot worse.

"So hows your life?" Kris asked me as i plopped down at the lunch table next to him, his mouth full of sandwich. He was obnoxious because he was born  obnoxious - it was as simple as that.

"Fucked up," i said exhaustedly.

"Why?"

Because of you, i wanted to say just for the hell of it. Since the 23rd, we brought up none of the events that had come between us. For the 6 days left of spring break, i did nothing - my closest friends were all abroad and spending time alone with Kris would have made things harder. The only thing i had done was meet up with Skander, at his request, to listen him as he tried to save what he thought was left of our relationship - changing his study habits, giving me free time - he gave me a schedule and a list of things he could do. Even if i'd had feelings left for him, i would never be able to live a scheduled life. My feelings were all wrapped up in Kris, and even then, i was losing feelings for anything and anyone - i was beginning to lose what made me Lynn. When we got back to school on march 30th, Kris and i were very casual with each other. We acted as if nothing had happened.

"I'm living with a couple of bastards. I'm spending every day with selfish fuckers who happen to pay for my living, and take it as an excuse to do everything they want to screw me over. I took my entire bottle of medication yesterday and downed it with whiskey and wound up getting my stomach pumped two hours after throwing up blood, that's how fucked up it is."

For  a moment, Kris, as well as elmo and alex, were all silent. I raked my fingers through my hair. Kris looked awkwardly around. He was an apathetic being - incapable of caring about situations with as much gravity as this one.

Ryan plopped down beside me. "Damn, girl, you look like crap today. Where'd you sleep, chained to a pillar?"

"I look like crap cause three hours before the first class of the day there was a giant tube down my throat trying to extract 60 carbimazol pills from my stomach," i said darkly.

They all leaned in to listen to what had happened exactly. They agreed that my parents were fucked, told me never to do anything like that again, and pulled me into a group hug. It was time for health class, so Kris and I walked across the building's top floor to the room where our teacher was waiting.

"If you do that again i'll break your neck," he told me, and he walked across the room to his desk, while i sat at mine by the door. We never interacted in health class. We never showed our friendship to others until we were in the third floor cafe. During class, we just didn't care. I was silent for a moment, unable to think. I wasnt sure if it was a joke - and that's the first time i had to face such a question since i met him.

The thursday after, they invited me to come to alex's house. It would be alex and elmo and ryan and i, and we would basically be hanging around at his house doing more or less what we always do.

We were really hyper that day. Alex gave me directions to his house over the phone, and when i got there, all three of them jumped on me.

But ryan held onto me a little more tightly and a little longer than the others did. At first i thought it was nothing, and we herded our snacks and alex's fat dog upstairs to the top floor games room. His dad is a UN detective or researcher or something, so they have a pretty big house. They tried teaching me how to play call of duty, and i died a ridiculous number of times. When they stole all the good seats, i immediately sat on elmo's lap, as casually as we were both accustomed to. I would have sat on any of them, but Ryan was pretty long and bony and elmo happened to be the biggest one in our group.

Ryan was obviously getting pretty jealous though. While alex and elmo battled huge tanks in call of duty, Ryan dragged me up to see the roof of the house, taking me from part to part. I was becoming pretty suspicious. I didn't necessarily trust ryan - i'd told him about what happened with Kris and he accused me of using him as a rebound. I'd almost wanted to laugh when he did it, but i was more angry than anything else. Often times, if i asked him for advice, he'd turn it all around as he usually did. I eventually learned not to trust him.

But what if that was all jealousy? I was surprised when he climbed up a high wall,  reached down, and pulled me all the way up with one long, twiggy arm.

"How is that possible?" I asked, jaw dropped.

"Pink muscle," he said proudly. I listened as he showed me from view to view, wary because i couldnt shake the feeling that he was planning something and i was oblivious to it. It turned out he simply wanted to kiss me. I could see it written all over his lips, and i backed away. I would have hooked up with 5 of the 7 people in the circle if i let this one happen. Siri, Skander, Elmo, and Kris were already done with - adding ryan to the list wasn't a good idea.

"Look," he said. "I know everything's been hard as hell on you... with your parents and your overdose and... home life.. as well as Kris. He's an idiot for giving you up so easily. But i can make it easier on you, if you'll let me."

I gave him a cautious look, walking on eggshells. "Ryan... i just dont believe you. You were falling all over siri at the beginning of spring break. So what's up with this?"

"She's cute as hell and she's wild, but she's not like you, in all ways possible." he sat down next to me, our legs dangling over the edge as we watched the views around us. "Seriously lynn, there wasn't one guy at the table yesterday who wasn't wishing he was in Kris's place. There's no use in you wasting time with him."

"I wasn't planning to," i said numbly. I stood on top of the walll and took another look at the view, and he wrapped his arms around my waist from the ledge below, his head against my stomach, arms resting on top of the pretty obvious outward curve of my hips.

"You have a weird body," he said.

"So i've been told," i said.

"Your hips and your waist are so different in size it doesnt even make sense. But i like it."

I laughed. "You should be with a bonier chick, dont even think about considering me, man."

"No. You're soft. Everything about you is soft. Your skin... your shape... your curves... your smile... your eyes... even your voice. And it's nice that way."

I was confused by what was happening. This guy that i didn't trust and didn't feel anything for was wrapping his arms around my waist and pressing his face into my stomach. And i didn't feel anything at all -  not repulsion, or affection, or warmth, or even boredom. I had just broken up with one of his best friends and i had just had my heart broken after a hot hook up with another one of his best friends - and i'd made out with his crush and another close friend - repeatedly - without any gender taboo paid mind to.

I was probably just a booty call. I knew they all had something for me that went past friendship, but that's because i was the only girl they spent so much time with, i guess. It just didn't make sense that ryan would be doing this now.

After a night of being touched and flirted with and massaged and complimented constantly, he walked me home. "I'm gonna call my girlfriend and break up with her tomorrow," he said, and all of a sudden i realized what i'd been doing - i'd been leading him on and now he was giving me no choice, because he was going to give up his relationship for me. Damnit.

I shivered. This was strange.

"So what do you think?" he asked, and we stopped in front of my gate.

"I think... i need time. You screwed me over a few times," i said with a playful smile, "so i dunno if i can trust you yet. Just wait it out for a while, ok? Let me do some thinking."

"One kiss for good luck?" he asked me. I smiled and allowed him to press his lips against mine. I was shy and suddenly forgot everything i'd learned about kissing - not because he was intimidating but because i knew i would never have a lasting relationship with somebody like him.

For the first couple days of school we avoided the tension. Ryan had always liked calling me and talking for hours, and this time he called me, asking me to come back to the high school building at 4pm so we could have some fun in the janitor's closet.

I refused, saying that if he wanted to hang out, he'd have to come over. I opened the door, in my short shorts and tank top, black silk kimono on my shoulders.

"You sure it's ok?" he asked.

"Just get in here," i said with a laugh, "i'll tell my mom you're giving me help on an english project."

While we were on my bed, we talked with siri and Kris online, teasing them over the fact that ryan and i were alone in my room. All of a sudden, he jumped on me. The kimono was on the floor, his tongue was in my mouth, his hands were pushing my shirt up. I didn't really care. I didn't care enough to push him away, and i didn't care enough to reply with even half of the energy he gave me. I was an emotionless ragdoll as his tongue and his hands went everywhere and i was under the barrage of emotion that he gave me. Fuck my life.

It was so meaningless. My mom stuck her head inside, and we sprung apart. She hated ryan immensely, mostly because of his ADHD, so the second she saw him she threw a tantrum. I showed ryan the door, weirded out by what had happened.

"I told you, we should have done it in the janitor's closet."

"Yeah, sure," i said with a smirk, and i closed the door on him.

When i went back upstairs, i returned to my conversation with siri.

"So...." she started stiffly. "Now it's Ryan."

"I don't know," i said. "He wanted it and he's not disgusting so why should i push away?"

"Because... there's a limit to how casual making out can be."

"Well i dunno anymore, there's no limits left in this life. Everything's grey."

"Lynn... you need a change. First an overdose and now this, after all the guys, as well as me, you've hooked up with already."

"I don't care." i said simply.

"Then i guess i dont have to bother with wessam." she said.

"Wessam?"

"He's dani's best friend. One of the nicest guys ever, i've been talking to him online for the past few weeks."

"Oh really?" I didn't really see the point in what she was saying.

"Yeah. I've been telling him all about you, but it seems you're happier with Ryan."

"Screw Ryan. How old is this guy?"

"He's twenty," she said, grinning. And i was still fifteen.

"Oh damnnn... does he know i'm fifteen?"

"Yeah... but he said age doesnt matter, so screw it girl, just take the bait."

"What bait? He's just a random guy online."

She laughed. "Maybe. He won't be for much longer though."

"Yeah, whatever," i said.

That was the first mention of Dani's best friend. But that definitely wasn't the last - as my apathy grew, so did siri's suggestiveness and her eagerness to get us together. As for Ryan, we seemed to forget about what had happened - or, i was avoiding it and he took the hint.

Kris watched the whole thing happen between us, from our arguments and our interactions and the awkwardness between us. He and skander were in the same boat, as skander watched us talk at one of the writer's group meetings in a rich member's house the day after we'd hooked up. I was at a pretty much golden time - friendly with everyone and holding some very interesting and very personal coversations with people i usually wouldn't talk to - even though i was dying inside, and  whatever life was left, i was turning into black.

Kris came up to ask me about it once.

"Your ex is giving me evil looks in french class and i'm making ugly faces back at him, most of the time. I  think he knows something. But i wanna know something. What the hell is going on with you and ryan?"

"What do you think is going on with us?" I asked with a stoic expression.

"Did you guys hook up or something?"

"Yeah. On tuesday, in my room, on my bed." Before he could answer, i turned and walked away. I had english class, and he had french with my ex. 'Well,' i thought, 'at least they both have something in common now.' I was tired. Not just because i barely slept the night before, but because every move i'd made for the past month seemed just... so pointless. That, and every mood i'd ever made in my whole life. I saw no point of being here. All i induced was pain, not only on myself but on others.