It's been eleven months now.

I'm still sixteen, and my mind has changed so drastically since that wild party i had in my room, surrounded by the seven 'closest' friends i had in the country, as well as wessam. What a wild night that was... back then, all i cared about was having fun and being with the one i loved.

But so many  things have changed and so much has happened in the past year that i'm starting to realize i'm nowhere near the same person anymore.

The rewriting of all the entries i had in my diary has sort of woken me up to it. A year ago i began this change, from a bad heartbreak, to a suicidal pill overdose that i took immaturely, and without thinking ( i wound up in the toxicology center of an egyptian hospital getting my stomach pump), to my first sexual encounter with another girl, to meeting a 20-year-old metalhead and starting a string of drinking, weed, and chain smoking, to feeling genuine love for the first time, to having a one night stand i'll always regret, to getting pregnant and having a chaotic miscarriage, to cutting off all six of the peeps in my circle, to getting expelled from school and then, all this shit that's been taking place now.

After all of this time, all i care about is finishing high school, getting married, becoming a psychiatrist (since few good writers really earn a good living) and having awesome kids. And it's not like i hate being this way. I'm happy with the plan i have and i'm sure i just want to get on with growing up. But i look at other people my age and wonder, since this isn't exactly normal, if i should be worried about it. My youth is gone. I don't care about having fun. I care about being with wessam, which is all the fun i need. I never loved somebody like i love him and i know i never will. But is this the way it should be? Is this right? Is this normal?

I keep having to remind myself of my age - that i've been on this earth just as long as all those facebook friends who put up pictures of wasted parties surrounded by people they're supposedly inseperable with. I can't help but wonder, sometimes, if one day i'll have a mid-life crisis and go back to those nights, at 15 and 16, when i was still truly a teen at heart.

It seems like my entire life, i've lived past my age. When i was eleven, i wasn't playing with barbies and beanie babies. I was hanging out with my best friend in a loitering spot, constantly gettin checked out and followed by attractive teens. I had already tried slitting my wrists. Something was always missing from my life - back then i had no idea what it was. I'm not sure i do now, either, but ever since i got close to wessam, i've felt like my life is finally full.

By the time i turned twelve i was in a 'relationship' that included going out until late at night, being with guys up to five years older than me, being desired by guys  up to five years older than me. After that break-up, i accepted any request to 'deal,' (some strange form of dating that seems to exist only in trinidad) that i got, and would stick with the contract for a week before ripping it up and having someone else approach me. I never did anything with all these deals. Not one kiss, even. A few phonecalls maybe, but i had become apathetic and just didnt give a shit.

Reminds me of what had happened after the dilemma with Kris. I wanted to be like he was, because it turned out that if i was, surviving the situation at home and inside my head and from the past would be a whole lot easier. And it happened by itself, just like that. I thought over him and his reasons and his decision constantly. Eventually, i stopped giving a shit. I just lived every day without emotion. Things at home had gotten so bad, to the point where i couldn't handle it anymore and became numb. That's when i swallowed the pills. Out of anger and tiredness of this life and a need for some emotion, even if it didn't come from me.

It screwed me up and over. And by the time i met wessam, i was in one of the darkest stages i've ever been in. That's why i was fine with kissing him the first time we met. Thats why i was fine with him screwing me the second time we met. That's why i didn't care that he was a 20-year-old druggie from a completely different world. It occured to me that maybe i was being used - and i didnt care. "It's not like he's going to kill me," i had told myself, with the greatest sincerity.

Now though, i'm overflowing with emotions. Not the same ones as before though - much stronger, much more genuine ones. So genuine they're almost impossible to handle. And still, so strange and inappropriate that they become even more of an impossibility to handle. Such as... wanting to be with wessam every second of every day, and knowing he feels exactly the same way. Or being so damn impatient to have kids that i'd almost screw college and let wessam do all the working while i do all the raising.

I remember once, the first time i had cried in three months of very difficult times. An overdose hadn't brought tears to my eyes. A heartbreak hadn't brought tears to my eyes. Being divorced from my parents hadn't brought tears to my eyes. But on may 27th, my sweet sixteen, as i got ready to go out to dinner with my whole family intact, and i lay in front of the tv on the giant chinese pillows, i watched the flickering images on the screen, knowing that my chances of staying with wessam were slim because my parents were about to fuck it all up, and tears filled my eyes. There was no warning that they would come - or there was, but i was in too deep to feel it. When the warm trail of moisture slipped down my face i had to touch it and stare at what it left on my finger before i realized i was crying again.

And, one month and two days after he'd asked me to be his girlfriend, and 3 weeks after he'd confessed that he fell head over heels in love with me, i realized i loved him back. Not only that - i realized that after what felt like an eternity (it was really only around a couple of months) i could feel again.

The next day, i had an appointment with my psychologist. She was a pretty, european, very tall and stylish woman who i'd told my entire story to, as it was happening. The first time i'd seen her was around six months ago, and my parents took me out of her office because they thought nothing was working. When i had the overdose, they sent me back, and i was already familiar with her. So i told her everything.

And that day, i told her i could cry again. That alone surprised her - but when she found out why, she couldn't help but smile. I confessed that i doubted i'd be able to see him again because of the age difference my parents were sure to discover some time soon. I can't remember when and how it happened, but i started crying. She told me something that's been stuck inside her head for a while.

"You remember my story with my ex husband. When i was fourteen and he was twenty one we fell in love. It lasted nine years until we got married, and then it lasted another seven. See, i was missing something at home too, exactly the same way you are now. Something was missing, and he gave it to me, and i suddenly believed my life was full. But it turns out that the only reason i loved him was because he filled an empty space, and he gave me what my parents should have my entire childhood, and neglected to. When that was all resolved, i suddenly realized i didn't love him for who he was. So all i'm saying is - know what's real and what isn't. Know why you love him. You may be crying for him right now, or you may be crying because your parents are taking away the one thing they should have given you, and you instead got from somebody else. So just dont forget to remind yourself of what it is you love - him or his treatment of you alone. Over the years you will be with him, never forget to remember."

I still dont believe that what she says applies to me. What worries me is that to other people, it could. I'm so happy to be in my place right now, and every second i know how lucky i am because i have him. Every moment with him, even when we fight, is bliss. I feel like i've found my place in life - side by side with him. I always doubt myself though - i always doubt what i'm sure of because i always let myself down.

I hope that what i know is what really is, because i want this security to last. I know that i love every fiber of his being with every fiber of mine. There are no secrets and we're living the same life, in different homes. And we're happy that way. He'd rather be with me than all his friends, and it's been like that for almost a year now. I'd rather be with him than anybody else. I'd never turn him down to hang out with  somebody else because i'm happiest with him. It's beyond love and it's closer than just a binding tie. I found what i was missing, and i'd felt his absence for years before we even knew of each other.

But is that really it?

For me it is. But it pisses me off that everybody is prophesizing my future for me. You can only hear pessimism so many times before the paranoia starts to sink in.

I don't wish i was still a teen, in more than just technical terms. But i do wonder why i don't. 

It's amazing how, when we look back, we can see the changes we've made or been through. For you, Lynn, I would suggest only that perhaps you can give yourself what you've been missing from your parents. Your psychologist should have told you that. In order to fill that void in your life - which is there, even though you might not see it right now, because you have Wessam in your life - you need to parent yourself, hon.

Give to your inner self all the love and encouragement and support your parents haven't given you. Nurture your inner child, Lynn, and you will begin to feel less empty and more truly fulfilled, so even if there isn't anyone in your life, you will still feel complete. I hope that makes sense...

Thankyou for coming by to visit me. Things will be okay; it's just going to take some time, is all. Every relationship has its up and downs, and as the saying goes, it takes two to tango...

Much love to you, my young friend...

I cannot disagree with you, Lynn. But when I was younger, I was in the same position. And I fought for it. I fought the whole world because none of them seemed to approve of me ending up with this man who seemed so perfect and so loving, a soulmate almost if that is true. I was a bawling monster in front of my crying mom and dad (who I love and respect so much). And then something happened. Something changed almost overnight. And the man now only remains as a memory I even hope to forget... I realized my parents and all my friends were right. But those aren't what changed me. TIME and FATE just did. Years, or months, or even mere days. We are living and dynamic beings that change through time, with or without our own consents. Your feelings are valid, Lynn. But sometimes, we don't know what time has in store for us as it unfolds, we might be totally committed to our decision, but sometimes there comes a time when we'll even find ourselves unconsciously having a change of heart, disagreeing with our own selves and the promises we've already spoken. I was 28 then. I'm 36 now. But my life now is not even just a different chapter...but a totally different book. So much happier. I'm glad I waited. This may not necessarily apply to you. But a little "what if" won't hurt. So you don't find yourself hurting even more in the end.