I've just woken up from a 17 hour sleep, and i'm not feeling good at all.

Yesterday, i went to work at Tarek's orchid show. It was one booth in a festival full of plant companies from all over the country, placed in one of the biggest gardens in the arab region. I was told all i'd have to do is look pretty and look like an executive, so i wore a grey jane norman pencil dress with a wide black waistband. The dress was down to my knees and it had a mini jacket that covered my shoulders, so all they could really see was my lower legs and my arms and my neck. No big deal, right?

To egyptians, it was a very big deal. Even when i took a cab to zamalek so i could meet up with siri (she would be working at the show with me) every man the cab driver asked directions from couldn't stop staring at my legs. I found the whole thing pretty amusing.

I was supposed to start work at 10, and tarek was supposed to pick me up from my house. But he had to go early, as the minister of agriculture was going to come earlier than the opening of the festival, to take a look at all the booths. To make things easier, i went to zamalek so he could pick us up from there.

When siri and i arrived, we were like aliens. They couldn't stop staring at us. Tarek was in a suit, and we walked side by side with him, looking like important people. From 12 until 4 we were selling orchids to people and giving them information on the flowers, how to take care of them and how long they're supposed to last. Imperial Orchids is the only orchid growing company in the entire arab region, and in africa - besides an orchid plantation in South Africa. There was a lot of interest, but more interest in siri and i than there was in the flowers. Tarek was proud to have us with him, saying that by having two male and two female executives, the company looked professional and very far ahead.

I met Tarek through melanie and Nael - he's a 32 year old, half egyptian half american guy, and he reminds me so much of Kris that i was comfortable with him from the beginning. The first time we walked up to his apartment and he shook all our hands, around two months ago, he looked at me and gave me a strange, open-mouth look as he shook my hand. I took it as a sign that he wasn't too happy to have people he didnt know in his house.

I was really high and really tired that night, so i spent most of the time not talking to him, leaning my head on wessam's shoulder and keeping my eyes closed.

In the following weeks, though, we spent a lot of time in his apartment. When things at home started to get bad one day, and i had a bottle of my dad's wine next to the bed and i woke up to find that adam had knocked it over and brought the bottle to my mom, i knew i had to get out of there and avoid a huge explosion.

So Melanie brought me over to his house, where nael was already waiting, and we spent some time on the balcony. I didn't want to go home that night, and i spent the night with Melanie. By the time i found that we had to go and i wasn't allowed to stay another night, the storm had started and my mother went to wessam's house behind my back, in search of his mom.

Tarek took siri and i back home, and we dropped her off in zamalek - he came to ride with me in the back seat. He'd already started trying to explain why Melanie was angry with me, but we couldn't hear much of the conversation since he was in the front seat, next to an open window, and i was in the back.

It turns out melanie likes me as a friend, and she enjoys spending time with me. I haven't seen her in a few weeks, because she's been trying to cause friction in my relationship with wess. She has a man hating problem, he told me. She really doesn't like wessam at all. She thinks he's a loser and we're both of different classes and he's using me. The entire ride back, we talked about it.

And what i got out of our conversation in the cab is this - she has the idea that i'm being used, and a 'girl like me' shouldn't be with a 'man like him.'

We went back to his flat, to wait on wessam and get a joint of hash out of it. While we waited, we talked. We found half a joint on the coffee table n while we smoked, i continued trying to convince him that everything - not some of the things - melanie said was bullshit.

"Think about it," melanie had said, "he gets to go to a good neighborhood all the time, he gets to do acid for free, he gets to hang around in cafes for free, he gets to drink for free, spend time in people's apartments, fuck his hot, hot, hot girlfriend whenever he feels like it - what man wouldn't fall in love with all those advantages. She makes him less of a loser."

I pondered on it while he told me about it. I always knew melanie was slightly bisexual ("I love women, cause they're so perfect," she told us once, "but i love men more.") but it turns out she's extremely attracted to me. As in she'd love to have sex with me. Tarek told me it was about my body shape, my hair, my face, my sort of vulnerable, needs-to-be-protected vibe - "you see?" he told me. "even women fall for you."

But it made my heart heavy and my stomach sick to think about wessam being that way. I asked Tarek how much of her shit he agrees with.

"Some of it," he said. "Not all of it. Like, saying he's a loser. She doesnt know anything about his grades or what his future will be like - she doesnt even look at her own boyfriend. He's 30, lives with his aristocrat parents, he doesnt have a job, he doesn't wana get a job, and he's taking drugs every day because he cant stand a life without pills."

"And wessam is off drugs," i added, "he's off pills, he only smokes hash - he's in a good college, passing all his classes. She's not even in college. But he has a future ahead of him."

"Yeah." tarek replied. "But that doesn't take away from the idea that he may still be taking advantage of you. I don't know him well enough to know, but i know you well enough to know that any guy would love to be in his place. I've done the same thing - 90% of the world's men have done the same thing. They've found that they have a girl who gives them the chance to do more, and be more, and have more fun. Why was he a virgin before he met you? He never had the chance. No man with a dick would pass up the chance to get laid, and that's the way it works."

"But he loved drugs more back then," i argued, "much more than women. And the few girlfriends he had before me were from a community - the metallers community - where virginity really doesnt matter. I know this is a country where egyptian girlfriends dont even kiss until they're engaged, but..."

"The fact is," he said, "no man would love drugs more than sex. And i've done the same thing, without realizing i'm doing it. It's like waking up every morning to someone who gives me a piece of chocolate cake - i'm gonna like it and get used to it, and every morning i'm gonna look for her to get the chocolate cake."

I was growing more and more miserable.

"See, i'm not saying he's not in love with you... but men fall in love through their dicks, 99% of the time. It starts with some form of sexual attraction."

"That doesn't make it any less real - you could be with the hottest woman on earth but if she has no personality - or a bad personality - or she just doesn't make any sense, then what's the point in being with her? You wouldn't stick with her for a year, would you?"

"No," he said, "probably not. But what i'm saying is, men can often make the mistake of falling in love with what they profit from the relationship - not really the one they have a relationship with."

I thought about it for a while. For a second i nearly believed it.

But it all seemed so senseless, when i remembered what we went through, what we've stayed together through and what we've dreamt of having with each other, it became obvious that we were more than just the things i give him. Plus, it's not like i didnt get anything in return.

"You forget that i'm a teenager," i said.

"I know." he nodded. "It's easy to do that. You don't act like one, you don't speak like one, you don't think like one, you definitely don't look like one."

"Yeah i guess,, but what you forget is that i'm the teenager in the relationship. The one with the raging hormones. I'm the one who's always asking for it, i'm the one that get's frustrated when we don't do it. I'm the one who argues and argues for it until i get it, and comes up with all these crazy ideas to satisfy the tension."

"Well... that puts him in a comfortable position," he countered. "Any guy in his place would sit back and let you do the arguing and eventually give in, just for the thrill of the argument before."

Damn... he had an answer to everything.

"Well, you ever think that they alll just dont see wha the gives me in return?"

"What does he give you in return?" he asked.

"He's there for me, 24/7, if  i calll him and i want him here, he'll be here -" and he cut me off.

"Look, you're fucking gorgeous.  Any guy you choose to be with is gonna pick up your phone calls even if you call at 4am, or come to spend time with you whenever you ask. "

I sighed hard. I forgot to tell him that wessam gives me more emotional support than i ever give him. I have a lot of demons, flying around me day and night, lingering in the space surrounding me, giving me the worst depression, the worst bouts of anger and the worst bouts of tears, or self harm, at that. And he's dealt with every single one of them. Some of them are six years old - some of them eight years old, some of them three, some of them 3 months old, some of them 6. But they turn me into a slave of the past, because no matter how old i get, these demons will get older with me. They will not shrivel up and die.

But he does his best to deal with them the way they are. He becomes miserable when he sees that he can't comfort me. He tries his best, and sometimes fails. He wants to help me live the nightmare and he wants to turn it all into a dream. Better yet, he wants to wake me up.

But he can't. And the way his mood changes when he's proven yet again that i'm too infected for him, shows a deeper, more selfless care than i have ever seen. And i bore witness to that care ever since the second time i'd met him, when he himself cleaned up the blood that he'd caused to shed, and allowed me to just lie back as he did it.

The way the conversation was going though... i dont think it really would have made a difference.

"Melanie could be a little classist right there..  most egyptians are."

"But wessam's on the same level as her."

"Yeah, they're both part of the upper class. But she sees herself as higher up on the ladder than him, because she speaks english fluently and he has a strong egyptian accent, makes a few grammar mistakes here and there, i dont know."

That really doesnt make sense. Their families are on equal standards as for money - so how does it make sense to judge their class levels by how well one can speak english? Why does that even matter? i voiced it to him, and he explained that here, in this country, this is simply the way it works.

"In their minds, you're of a completely different class than most of us - you're a cac chick, expelled or not. You should therefore, either be with a cac student, a foreigner in another school, or someone like me - an americanized egyptian who at least has a similar mindset. You guys are an odd couple n you will always be dealing with odd opinions."

"Why does it have to be like that?" I asked.

"Cause wessam is a lucky guy, whether he's taking advantage or not."

"Why, cause he has a somewhat hot girlfriend with a ton of issues on her back and 100le to spend every week?"

"Oh come on. Anybody would see that from the first glance he's a lucky guy. You know, the first time i saw you, it was sort of dark in the staircase but i could still see what you looked like. i stood at the top greeting people as they came - first melanie, than nael, and then you came. And i swear my mouth opened. I started to go 'durhhh' and drool, and suddenly remembered where i was."

I laughed hard. I could remember that open-mouth look he gave me. I took it that since i didnt get much of a friendly smile, i was probably not gonna get much of his good side.

"When we went to sit down i tried really hard not to keep staring at you, and as soon as i was in the kitchen with nael i started being loud and obnoxious about it. I was like, falling all over myself getting off on how hot you are. Nael said, 'yeaaahhh, i know, man, she's pretty huh?' but then i asked how old you are n when i found out you're half my age i had to back off. I was fucking disappointed man, you have no idea - it didnt matter that you're with your boyfriend, cause i can get between that easily - but the age is something different."

I was wondering why he would tell me all of this. I was pretty high by then and i was extemely worried about wessam, as well as upset because i knew it would suck for him to hear everything we discussed about him.

"Well you're twice my age," i added anyway, "it wouldn't be right, too many differences. Plus, you'll find that maybe you can top the little things by being more american than him, but not the big things - not the reasons i'm with him and the things that make me love him. Nothing and nobody can top that."

"Well, when it comes to sex, perhaps."

"I've been there and done that - i've fallen in love with somebody through sexual attraction. That guy siri and i were talking about, Kris - we had a sexual pull between us that's been there ever since we met, basically, and it tortured us until we did something about it. That time, i fell for him like any man would - through sex drive. And we were both well aware that it was love, but love that would have been manageable if we'd never even touched on the chemistry we had. I fell in love with him more for that than anything else."

He was quiet for a while. "Then... you're very mature for your age. For anybody really, not just your age. I had to live twice your lifetime to figure out the same thing. Most people never even get to the stage of accepting it."

"That's why i recognize the difference with wessam. I mean... sure, we'd get frustrated... or i'd get frustrated, if we spent too long without doing it. But that's after a few weeks. Right now, where we're at, we  miss each other every second we're not together. Both of us cried at the airport when i had to go away for three weeks - and just three weeks. I've been with guys my own age, i've been with guys my own race (if a mix like me even is a race) i've been with guys in the same classes, i've been with guys i grew up with. It never felt right until i looked in the most unexpected place and found him there."

"Well then let's hope it is. As for me... you're one of the very few faces i'd kill for, but i won't man. You look happy in your place, and even if you have the mind of a 28 year old on the body of a 25 year old and the face of... i dunno... some mystical being, you've only been here 16 years. I'm still here for you 24/7... but not in melanie's way."

I laughed a little. "I wont call at 4am asking for a back massage, that's for sure."

When wessam arrived, i almost wished he'd taken longer because i felt like some things about him still needed to be said - the demons and the emotional support. But that thought alone screwed with me. I was surprised by it. When he came and sat next to me on the sofa, i felt like he wasn't even there. I didnt really feel him until we were out of there, at 7, in  his car, and i was heavily hearted explaining it all to him. By the tme i came home, i hadn't slept in 35 hours, and i needed it. I tried to stay awake long enough to wait for him to come online, as he didnt want to come home, but i failed. My phone alarm was set for 9pm, and it didn't wake me up until five hours  later, at 2 am. I wouldnt wake up for another four hours - and suddenly i was glad i had the day off.

But now it's a monday n i'm supposed to be working again. That's why i'm awake at 10:32 am. That's why i took a shower at 8:30. But i knew i wouldn't be doing any orchid selling today - because melanie was working for him yesterday, and they were probably busy screwing, to the point where it's unthinkable to have anyone else with him for the show.

There's no way i'm buying acid now. I guess you reall  just can't trust people. But i trust wessam - he's the only one who i believe deserves it. I just hope my belief is on target.